As I sit here on this beautiful Saturday morning after Christmas, I feel much reflection over the past year. Never before have I reached into the depths of my soul and been as honest and vulnerable with myself and my past.
The very root and core of my deep suffering were my mother’s wounds and trauma of the past with women in my family, that is now wanting to be SEEN and HEARD. It had the voices of many of the women within my current lineage and generations of the past.
Some of these women have been part of my life experiences and many, I have never met in my lifetime. However, the energy and imprint that I feel from these women who lived before me was palpable and real in my very own DNA.
These women within my Iranian female lineage all had a voice. A powerful voice that was once silenced, never acknowledged or praised, and sadly rejected or repressed.
My own grandmother Fatimeh, was one of these incredible and beautiful women in my lineage. She was a deeply spiritual woman of God. My father has told me many stories of his mother. He says that Fatimeh was a giving woman who never asked for any praise or expected returns for favors. Her main life purpose was to serve God and take great care of her family and six children.
One thing that really stood out to me was that my grandmother Fatimeh gave great value to God first and that HE knew her good deeds. In Iran almost 30 years ago, her passion was to anonymously pay and gather goods to pay for young girl’s dowries who were poor and couldn’t afford to get married. She had one daughter herself and five boys of her own. But her joy was to make others happy and give others joy.
In reflecting upon my grandmother’s life and my female Iranian lineage, I realized that Fatimeh had many mother wounds herself. Her own mother died at her own tender birth, and her father remarried shortly after. Her stepmother was jealous and awfully mean woman who fit the role of the “evil wicked stepmother.” Fatimeh was a young and sweet girl and was fetching water out of the well one day when her stepmother approached her. She grabbed her by the hair and told her that she would throw her down the well if she didn’t listen to her and obey her! My poor grandmother put up with much abuse from this retched woman growing up. Her father was not aware of the abuse that his second wife had inflicted on my grandmother. Fatimeh was not the kind of child or teenager to complain or cause problems, she was obedient.
Her faith in God was always her lifeline. That was something that no one could take away from her. In order to rescue herself out of the abusive environment she grew up in, she chose to get married to my grandfather Ali. Her confidence and self esteem blossomed after she left home to start her own family of six and became a talented seamstress. My grandmother Fatimeh’s legacy still carries on inside of me. I can feel her radiant energy in my heart on a daily basis.
Many women have a similar story during that time. Women were not supposed to be seen, heard or acknowledged for any accomplishments or raising their children. It was expected of them to fulfill those roles and to put on that fake smile and act as if everything was OK. I can say that knowing me, I would have been an awful rebellious housewife who can’t hold my tongue, and I would have gotten abused or divorced!
Reflecting on that time, I can’t imagine that level of deep repression during that time…However, I am fully aware it is STILL occurring in multiple levels of society around the globe and within the family home environment.
Most recently, these wounds of my own female lineage came in strong surges of old resentment and profound sadness these past few days. The holidays and energy of Autumn will always bring up grief, family issues or parts of our shadow self to the surface. The resentment and sadness I felt were from a time in my late 20’s when I was pregnant with my first daughter Setareh.
There were a few family members who did not approve of my pregnancy and chose to literally write me off as their family member. I was disowned by my close family member during my first trimester, and I felt worthless. It was DEEPLY painful. It felt painful to feel rejected at a time when I was supposed to be joyful and supported with love by these individuals during my first pregnancy. I kept asking God, why is this happening to me now?”
Out of all the pivotal times in my life, when I imagined these specific family members to be there for me, they turned their backs on me. It felt like a BIG slap in the face. One of them being a person that I knew as a sister growing up and the other, a close female relative.
I couldn’t begin to comprehend why they couldn’t be happy for me and chose to judge me instead. I felt as though parts of my pregnancy were robbed and “tainted” by this female wounding and pain. I carried so much grief in the first trimester of Setareh’s pregnancy that I was crying almost daily. It makes me sad to think about those moments.
The reality was that I wasn’t mature enough or spiritually evolved enough to really know what had occurred at that time. It was not those women doing anything TO me, rather I was having a painful experience. And my pregnancy was not “robbed” or tainted at all. I had a beautiful, healthy and blissful pregnancy in my second and third trimesters. In fact, so many amazing friends and family members stepped up to love and support me. God cleared the path for me and ushered Setareh into the world with unconditional love. For that I am eternally grateful.
Now almost 11 years later, I have some understanding of what may have occurred. These female family members had their OWN deep female or mother wounds. They couldn’t hold loving space for me at that time of my life) because they were NOT shown how to do hold loving space for THEMSELVES.
These crucial questions came to my mind…
*How can you love another, when you don’t know HOW TO love yourself?
*How can you ACCEPT another when you don’t accept yourself?
This is HOW the cycle of wounding continues over and over and is passed down from one female lineage to another.
Women keep hurting each other because they were NOT given the proper examples in their life or tools on HOW TO LOVE themselves.
I prayed to God and asked for understanding and this inner wisdom gave me great comfort today: We are only able to love others as much as we know HOW TO love ourselves.
I hope that my post helped you find healing today. That the wounds or feelings you have ARE valid. That the experiences you have are valid.
People are really not intentionally trying to hurt you although it may feel that way. Some individuals are truly NOT AWARE of their own wounds and that they project their pain onto others. We can decide to take it on or realize that it is their pain and suffering we are simply experiencing or witnessing.
All we can do is to dig deeper into the dance with our emotional psyche and the valuable information that feelings offer for us to GROW, EVOLVE & THRIVE.
All my Love, Tina